Pandemic Reflections
A source of support.
When the first Bay Area shelter-in-place started March 16, 2020 because of the COVID-19 pandemic, it felt lonely and disorienting and pretty awful having no childcare for our 3yo with 2 full time working parents. In week 2, I sent an email to people with whom I worked closely, honoring this feeling and sharing some coping strategies I was using to create a sense of solidarity and support. This became a weekly ritual that grew over time.
In the emails, I shared a little bit about what was happening in my household as a way of normalizing the massive changes, shared strategies we were using to cope, and things I was grateful for despite everything. I invited people to reply for support and connection and to aid with professional accountability and motivation. Slowly and sporadically I invited others to join the list. Eventually, I decided the simplest way to allow people to join as they found content useful (or to opt-out if content did not resonate) was to create a newsletter and website. For the archived letters from 2020, I’ve done some light editing to provide additional context, or to remove my weekly goals. Not all have been uploaded yet, but I’ll get there eventually.
In 2021, the weekly letter has evolved into aggregations of many of my mentoring and peer-mentoring conversations. They still touch on methods I’m using to remain a whole, semi-balanced person amid parenting, grieving, and being an early/mid-career academic researcher.
In 2022, the weekly letter became a little more sporadic, but still shared reflections on things happening locally and broadly.
Week 45
We have a new President and Madame Vice President! Though we have so much work to do in the coming years, the Inauguration and associated celebrations were refreshingly diverse and inclusive. Theo was home from school this week due to COVID-like symptoms in our house (more on that in a moment) so he and I watched together on Wednesday. Pretty darn amazing.
Week 44
It’s now been four weeks since my last weekly note. When I paused these letters, the world seemed a little more full of hope post-election and in light of the vaccine rollout. Now… the hope is a little further away for me, in the context of the antisemitic, racist, white supremacy-fueled insurrection two weeks before the Inauguration, new COVID variants, slow vaccine rollout, etc. It seems like a little extra community, solidarity, and support might be helpful right now.
Week 40
In these next two weeks, I challenge you to write down all the things that went well this year. If you’re struggling with all the losses of this year, I encourage you to write those down too, give yourself permission to grieve them, and then throw that list away. Put the list of what went well on your fridge and keep adding to it. If there are things that are way behind schedule – wow, are you not alone. It likely doesn’t really matter in the larger scheme of things. If you really have trouble forgiving yourself for being a human surviving a pandemic amid a social reckoning and political firestorm – try making a plan for how you will get those things done in 2021 – or how you will recruit help to get them done. A day later, double your timelines. And then - get out in the sun (with your mask) for some fresh air and new perspectives.
Week 39
“Everything’s fine, we’re fine, it’s all fine”, as my second-choice holiday card said. Things really are fine, and a bit hectic. I’m doing the best I can to take pressure off wherever I can (e.g. my goal is to send New Year cards before March 2021). For those of you celebrating Hanukkah or other non-Christmas holidays, I recognize the ubiquity of Christmas stuff may be frustrating and overwhelming, especially when you’re trying to fit it in without dedicated time off. For those of you preparing for Christmas, best of luck navigating this season of shipping deadlines and mystery packages.
Week 38
I was surprised to realize this week that I’m feeling pretty good! I feel a bit guilty for feeling so good (gestures wildly at the ongoing tragedies around us) but it highlights how much I was impacted by the election, fall grief season, and job talk prep (and associated existential questioning). While it’s awful to see the COVID cases rising, it’s not yet impacting our lives much, as long as Theo’s school is still open.
Week 37
We made a full Thanksgiving meal for the 3 of us and video visited with family throughout the day. This is now the third time we’ve cooked a full meal for the three of us in the last 4 years, so it’s becoming normal. I hope you are giving yourself space for your feelings, whether because you honor the National Day of Mourning, because you are missing your usual traditions or people at your table, or because of the latest COVID numbers. Space for tears, time in the sun, exercise, and talking to your best friends can do wonders.
Week 36
First and foremost, thank you so much to those of you who joined my job talk last week – it was really rather amazing to see. My brain seems to be toggling between riding the wave of productive big-picture thinking and being a puddle of confused mush. The high tides of fall grief have receded – it feels like I can use the feelings to make better decisions rather than be swamped by them so frequently. This week I’ve been trying to catch up on work sidelined over the last month.
Week 34
Emotions have been intense – I am so grateful I took this week off. The election results – even if Biden ultimately wins – heartbreaking for not repudiating racism/white supremacy, misogyny, antisemitism, nationalism, Mitch McConnell. The interplay of things Theo was excited about – Halloween, his birthday – and things we are sad about. Sam and I went for a memorial bike ride together on Thursday and reflected on many things, not least of all how many intensely hard things have been woven in over the last 3 years with a lot of pretty great things (like our pretty awesome kid), trying to remind ourselves we really are doing remarkably well, all things considered. Oddly, the pandemic is forcing me to slow down and really work on integrating what we’ve learned.
Week 33
I’m about to take PTO to make space for space for all the feelings. Friday is the second anniversary of the car hitting my dad and his three friends while they were cycling (for those who didn’t know), the 3rd is the election, the 4th is Theo’s 4th birthday, and the 5th is the anniversary of my dad’s death.
Week 32
I’m leaning hard on the “tides” analogy right now. There are times in most days I’m feeling great – efficient, centered, curious, resilient (call this low tide because it’s when our house is on mud and stable). And there are times in most days when I’m tired and crabby and insecure and anxious (our house is unbalanced at high tide). This grief season makes those high tides more like king tides – apt to cause flooding. I’m tired of it, but it will pass.
Week 31
This was the first time I took more than 1-2 days off since March. For me, the primary benefits of time off right now are 1) the creativity of thought that comes from unstructured time, 2) space for thinking and emotional processing, and 3) more exercise. The downsides were that the change in routine made family life a bit more difficult.
Week 30
I’ve seen a new pattern in our house the last few weeks. Fridays feel good. Saturday afternoon/evening everything falls apart (mostly my introverted spouse, who really misses rooms with doors). Sundays are better. Mondays and Tuesdays I feel emotionally turbulent; this week I made time for resilience work. Things start turning around on Wednesday, and I get surprised at my own productivity. Thursday shocks me with its arrival.
Week 29
How are you? No really – how are you really? Take a breath – what are you feeling? Some weeks I don’t know what words to use to describe the state of things around us, never mind my inside state. The Glass Fires and threat of smoke has been impacting me. The debate. The extra emails and texts from the groups and individuals I’ve donated to. Wanting to do more for the election and yet not quite organizing my life to make it feasible. The to-do list I keep reordering because I haven’t had the bandwidth for certain types of writing/thinking this week.
Week 28
Another challenging week here. For us it’s been a mix of RBG’s death (may her memory be a revolution) and implications thereof, kid-induced sleep deprivation, work stress, insufficient exercise, plus a few other things. Sunday was my first experience with a zoom funeral, organized by my mother for my aunt (surprisingly nice and satisfying). This week has been trying to prep for Sam’s (my spouse) birthday today. Fundamentally, I’m ok – I know things will even out with time.
Week 27
Reflecting on how this started: Last Friday I joined the Division zoom call about pandemic parenting. We talked about the importance of connecting with others, of helping each other (in part by modeling) self-care, time off, and other methods for managing the mental health crisis that is pandemic parenting amid all these other crises. That is, more or less, why I started these missives six months ago – to connect with others, to share (especially to mentees) what I was doing in that moment to cope, to model that it was ok to not be ok and yet to find ways to move forward with life and work. It was an instinct born from learning resilience with all the losses of the last two years.
Week 26
Today the anniversary of 9/11, when ~2,000 Americans died, in the middle of the pandemic where nearly 200,000 Americans died, in a week that included incredible heat over the weekend, the disturbing Wednesday fireskies, and now AQI of over 200 in Sausalito. In one sense, we are ok at our house – we relied on fans and TV to get through the heat over the weekend, closed the curtains during Orange Wednesday, and our air filter is running constantly. We still have jobs, Theo still has preschool, we still have our home that we enjoy. On the other hand – this is all quietly emotionally challenging, particularly heading into the most important election, perhaps ever.
Week 25
We are fine but are tired of lack of sun and being stuck inside due to the smoke and the fog. It’s been nice to have Theo back in school this week, even if it’s meant every morning is coming up with 18 tactics to counter the “I don’t like school” narrative. He comes home every day with good stories so I think he does like it.
Week 24
I’m torn between detailing the news I am most outraged by this week (e.g. violence against Black and Jewish individuals and communities) and fear of inflicting information on the unsuspecting who might currently avoiding the news in acts of self-preservation. The reasons for fear, anxiety and depression are myriad (a friend sent a great flow chart of reasons to be grumpy in California right now). And yet there are many moments of joy to be found and, in time, motivation to take action to change the world.
Week 23
We are surrounded by fire in the middle of a pandemic and ongoing public reckoning with race and police violence. Overall takeaway: it's time for another reset to figure out what does and doesn't work both professionally and personally. Theo's home from school next week (annual school planning week) so it will probably be a multi-week project.