Pandemic Reflections
A source of support.
When the first Bay Area shelter-in-place started March 16, 2020 because of the COVID-19 pandemic, it felt lonely and disorienting and pretty awful having no childcare for our 3yo with 2 full time working parents. In week 2, I sent an email to people with whom I worked closely, honoring this feeling and sharing some coping strategies I was using to create a sense of solidarity and support. This became a weekly ritual that grew over time.
In the emails, I shared a little bit about what was happening in my household as a way of normalizing the massive changes, shared strategies we were using to cope, and things I was grateful for despite everything. I invited people to reply for support and connection and to aid with professional accountability and motivation. Slowly and sporadically I invited others to join the list. Eventually, I decided the simplest way to allow people to join as they found content useful (or to opt-out if content did not resonate) was to create a newsletter and website. For the archived letters from 2020, I’ve done some light editing to provide additional context, or to remove my weekly goals. Not all have been uploaded yet, but I’ll get there eventually.
In 2021, the weekly letter has evolved into aggregations of many of my mentoring and peer-mentoring conversations. They still touch on methods I’m using to remain a whole, semi-balanced person amid parenting, grieving, and being an early/mid-career academic researcher.
In 2022, the weekly letter became a little more sporadic, but still shared reflections on things happening locally and broadly.
Week 22
Everything is totally fine. Many things are going very well. And around Wednesday I hit the wall after spending 6 weeks trying to catch up from 4 months of part-time work. (Also the terrible public health response to the pandemic and concomitant exposure of the chasms in the economy, the defunding of the USPS, the ongoing racial injustice, and and and). The last half of this week has been trying to work around, amid, and within the resulting weird emotional swirl.
Week 21
The importance of surprise and delight: Sometimes thing arise at the right moment in your life. I have a few essays started that interweave my personal and professional lives, but I haven’t known how to finish them. I shared one with a friend, and she told me it was a short story. So, because I took a friend up on an offhand offer to look at something a few weeks ago, I ended up signing up for this StoryCollider workshop, then she sent me this book to read, then I remembered another book I had in the house to read because my father had loved it that turns out to be set in Marin, and I have thoroughly enjoyed learning a new style of writing and storytelling.
Week 20
We are continuing to settle into the new routine. We taught Theo about high vs. low frequency sound waves this week (who knows why) and it was a thankfully lower-frequency week in the house (at least for me). I’ve now been into my office a few times for various reasons and it feels less strange. I feel like I’m making good progress on big picture thinking, communicating with mentors, my own research & manuscripts, mentoring others….wait, when I write that list things I realize are going really well at work, and reasonably well at home.
Week 19
This was the first week things started to feel a little more normalized with Theo back at school. Don’t get me wrong – lots of ups (Theo’s newest phrase “What a great observation!”) and downs (a complete meltdown when Theo did not having a snack to eat on the way home from school) – but a little more bandwidth and a little more sense of how essential childcare is to being able to work effectively as an academic parent.
Week 18
We are more or less fine. Theo needs a lot of forewarning and positive reinforcement to go to school (it’s possible that he’s been sent in with a few chocolate chips to eat enroute and I’ve picked him up a few days with a popsicle in a bag with icepacks). He comes home with interesting stories and seems to have enjoyed having been at school and having friends to play with, even though he doesn’t want to go back the next day. Sam has been very patient and good at meeting Theo’s emotional needs this week; I’ve been less effective at it. Thank goodness for good partners.
Week 17
Theo is back at preschool! All things considered it’s gone quite well. Only one really rough drop off, and successful use of things to look forward to negotiate leaving for school the other days (e.g. we promised an after-school hike one day, mac & cheese one day, and a “prize” for wearing his mask all day). We tried to keep his morning routine the same so we are leaving for school at 9 when we used to leave for hiking.
Week 16
Theo and I did two hikes but otherwise mostly lazed around the house. Theo now says “I want to watch Zootopia while mom naps” which is an accurate reflection of one of our days. He is resistant to the idea of more change if we talk about him restarting preschool on Monday; he says he won’t go until “after the virus”. He and I hiked 63 miles in June (2-3 miles 5-7 days a week) so…he’s eaten a LOT of Rx bars and I’ve told a LOT of modified superhero stories and we are very proud of ourselves. This will be a pretty cool memory from the pandemic someday.
Week 15
The usual mix of up and down over here. Theo hiked 9 miles over the weekend; I got a lot of downtime on Saturday including a few hours reading a book alone on the deck in the sun; I got blindsided by grief on Father’s Day afternoon; Theo and I tired of tired of the usual hike by Wednesday (we’ve been doing it most days for over a month and the mornings have been foggy cold and windy here this week; I tried to go for a sunset post-dinner run Wednesday night in new shoes and fell and took quite a few layers of skin off my hand and knee, plus impressive bruises. I guess the world is telling me to slow down more. Sam’s headed out on a solo 3-day backpacking trip Friday as a belated Father’s Day present so I’m planning on a weekend of watching movies with Theo.
Week 14
Another sine-wave week over here. Many good moments, hiking with Theo, enjoying the sun, watching our Geriatrics fellows graduate via a surprisingly successful Zoom graduation. Despite Theo’s enjoyment of the new house setup, another round of a night of little sleep on Tuesday led to some household disequilibrium.
Week 12
Even within my very privileged bubble, I am not ok. There were a few days this week I couldn’t really work and instead spent time crying. I wasn’t sure whether to write this email, and then I wasn’t sure what to say. Ultimately, I decided it is important for every individual to speak when and where they can. And I found it validating to hear that some of my mentors and friends say they were also not ok, so I thought some of you may feel the same. As you know, the last two years have sent a lot of things my way, and new trauma brings up old trauma. And my trauma is a drop in the bucket compared to generations of enslavement, individual and structural racism. I have a moral obligation to speak up.
Week 11
First and foremost, I am outraged (and yet not surprised) by racism and its impacts in America right now. I don’t know what to say but silence doesn’t feel like an option. The murder of George Floyd and threatening of Christian Cooper (and scores of prior similar incidents within Black and African American communities) is heartbreaking and wrong. These are part of the broader pattern of the killing, violence, and inequitable impact of the pandemic on Black and African American people, Latinx and Hispanic communities, Natives living on tribal lands, incarcerated individuals, including refugees, migrants, and children detained at the border…the list goes on.
Week 10
I’ve been thinking a lot about how pandemic parenting is a lot more work for our house than it would be to do the same thing (both people working from home with Theo also at home) in non-pandemic times, because we’re so restricted in our options and we have extra emotions from everyone.
Week 9
It's been a tough week at our house. A couple days of grey/rainy weather, ongoing tough readjustment, feeling demoralized, etc. Most of our family energy has gone to learning about better/alternative ways to help stressed out kiddos, which includes speed reading parenting books. I'm trying to remind myself we have better tools for our family now and a lot of practice with positive methods of reactive dog training.
Week 8
Right now I don't want solutions about the work/childcare situation: I just want to be told that whatever I'm doing or not doing is acceptable right now. So for any of you feeling similarly: you're doing great, whatever you're doing. You don't have to do anything different. Radical acceptance.
Week 7
We ended up spending a third week in Boise and are headed home to Sausalito on Saturday. You'd think it would get easier after 3 weeks, and maybe it's because the end is in sight, but nope! Harder. Good metaphor for the SIP orders, too. Planning is particularly challenging in a pandemic - you need things to hope for and look forward to but my coping style is to tell myself they won't really happen.
Week 6
This is our second week in Boise. There have been good things (Theo and the dog running around the backyard and having fun with my in-laws) and hard things (continued 3h epic bedtime battles with Theo and ensuing associated fatigue). Whereas earlier in the week we were convinced this setting & setup is too stressful for Theo (and us) judging from the evening battles, we are feeling better today after spending time yesterday researching evidence-based parenting techniques for the situation and having some success implementing them (not in getting to sleep before 10:30, but less angst).
Week 3
This week was more of an emotional rollercoaster for us. Thursday was the 1-year anniversary of my much-loved stepfather dying. In this locked-down world, I've had trouble honoring that anniversary in ways that felt satisfying. I spent Wednesday and Thursday helping prepare my next-door neighbor's house for hospice delivering a hospital bed and other equipment. He was diagnosed with advanced esophageal cancer only a month or two ago, and it's moved fast. We are affected more than we expected, knowing our wonderful life-filled musician and friend is dying next door. We're also moving into the next round of COVID cancellations: not being able to attend my cousin's funeral, the likelihood of another cousin's wedding being postponed
Week 2
These are strange times - the world turned upside down (I hope you have Hamilton in your head now). Communication is reassuring to me, and I appreciate that UCSF has been setting a great example being transparent and sharing good evidence. I'll be sharing some aspects of my life in efforts to "normalize" this completely abnormal season of life.