Week 44
View from the houseboats
It’s now been four weeks since my last weekly note. I’ve been debating how and in what format to move this forward. When I paused these letters, the world seemed a little more full of hope post-election and in light of the vaccine rollout. Now… the hope is a little further away for me, in the context of the antisemitic, racist, white supremacy-fueled insurrection two weeks before the Inauguration, new COVID variants, slow vaccine rollout, etc. It seems like a little extra community, solidarity, and support might be helpful right now.
I had a very physical stress response to the ransacking of the Capitol. I was surprised that I had that much of an embodied response (especially as a privileged white person) but then I remembered. A friend of mine was on the Hill at the time, many of my good friends live nearby, I used to live nearby and I lived in the DC area for 10 years before coming out to California. My schedule has been surprisingly packed with meetings since last Wednesday, which, on the upside, has meant minimal time during the workday to read the news, and on the downside, left little time for processing on the weekdays. I’ve been prioritizing meditation (and “counting” it even when it feels like all I’m doing is trying to not think and breathe and failing) and exercise and sleep. Just to point out the obvious: getting your body the sleep it needs, the exercise it needs, other self-care activities, and food and family time takes an enormous amount of time. I’m grateful to be able to compress and improve the efficiency of my work day. I’ve also been trying to keep my work within the time that Theo is at preschool, as much as possible, to give my brain recovery & restoration time.
If I ignore world events, things are going pretty well personally and professionally. The holidays were hard in unexpected ways but we learned good things in the process. My 2021 goal map centers on the word “reimagine” and has branches for things I want to practice or work towards in the context of mental, physical, relational, professional, and creative wellbeing. I’ve gotten myself in, but more importantly, out, of some mental tangles for several of my different projects and have plotted paths forward. My brain is working on overdrive but I’m working on meditating more. My spouse and I are practicing methods for giving each other emotional space within our small physical space (e.g. not trying to fix someone else’s bad mood, trusting they will ask for help when they want and need it) and both continuing with our therapists. My son has learned to use his pedal bike and so now weekend exercise includes running after him for a few miles as he does laps around our neighborhood. He’s going through something new this week where a few days he has been super clingy with me yet has a complete meltdown over leaving school. We are doing our best to be patient, give him all the hugs and snuggles he needs, and adjust the plan for the next day to improve chances of success for all.
(Re)Learnings and observations
You are not alone. Reach out. This is a hard time. If you are having a hard time, that’s a rational response to what’s going on in the world. If you are not having a hard time, I’m so glad – please reach out to others.
Asking for help. Asking for help is hard. But we all need help at different times and extents throughout our lives – not just at the very beginning and very end. Important to allow people to help you and to model asking for and receiving help to the people around us. Feels like a skill I’ve been working on a lot over the last few years.
Setting achievable goals that are under your control: Not papers in press but under review. Or even sent to coauthors (because you can’t control coauthor speeds). Or sometimes: opening a document and reading it.
Renegotiating deadlines: this is a reminder to myself to update some mentors/senior authors on where my work is right now, where I got hung up, and when I next expect to be in touch. As a mentor, I find it more annoying to not know what’s going on than to have deadlines extended…and I bet my mentors feel the same about me.
Reevaluate: is the thing you are aiming for the process or the goal? I’m trying to think of conferences as part of the process - excuses to make progress on papers/analysis – but the real goal is the paper under review
Schedule downtime and breaks: There was a day this week where instead of joining a quiet writing zoom, I just lay on the floor – asking myself to do nothing, not even hold myself up. I’ve realized my mind has been spinning through the night this week because it keeps trying to get done all the things left undone in my days packed with meetings. Thursday was a little emptier and it helped to be able to start tackling some of those undone things floating in my head and on my to do list.
Gratitude & appreciation
Several mentees & colleagues submitted abstracts for the American Geriatrics Society annual meeting, which is particularly impressive amid the pandemic. I am grateful to be included and grateful not to lead these endeavors.
I’ve interviewed a bunch of MSTAR and JMP and CRC candidates over the last few weeks and I want to work with all of them. It’s so nice to see this talent in the world and to have the chance to work with some of them. I’m going to spend the weekend meditating on how to choose between candidates.
I diagnosed the problem that was tripping me up in writing my results section of the prion paper – the first step towards dealing with the problem.
I have an idea of how to move forward with a quantitative analysis that I was stuck on and opened the analysis plan to revise.
I have started work on a project I felt guilty about ignoring for 6 months
Things I’m looking forward to
(per the advice of this UCSF Psychiatry webinar)
My “writing retreat” the week of January 25th: I am so glad I’ve blocked off a week every month for the coming year to have no meetings, so that I can either take PTO or have a writing retreat.
Listening to this On Being podcast with Nikki Giovanni
Listening to this GeriPal podcast with BJ Miller on Living with Death
Listening to this Grief Out Loud podcast #178 on the early days of grief and survivors guilt
The next time my workout time and good sunny weather coincide (which hasn’t happened for a bit)
As before, I invite you to share how you are doing and your small goals.
Krista