Week 28
View from the houseboats
Another challenging week here. For us it’s been a mix of RBG’s death (may her memory be a revolution) and implications thereof, kid-induced sleep deprivation, work stress, insufficient exercise, plus a few other things. Sunday was my first experience with a zoom funeral, organized by my mother for my aunt (surprisingly nice and satisfying). This week has been trying to prep for Sam’s (my spouse) birthday today – I keep trying to wrap presents or do things while he’s out for morning bike rides but have been stymied by Theo or early morning work meetings. I managed to make cupcakes and frosting but my mission for the morning frost and decorate a few cupcakes with Theo and then to school before my morning meetings start. Fundamentally, I’m ok – I know things will even out with time.
Gratitude & appreciation
New website for sharing your 3 good things each day
Unexpected gifts from neighbors and former coworkers: roses in honor of someone’s mom’s birthday, cookies, a fall craft box to enjoy with Theo
A week of good weather and sunshine
A Wednesday sail
Efforts from the Department of Medicine to honor the impacts of the pandemic on women and other populations
Things I’m looking forward to
(going back to the advice of this UCSF Psychiatry webinar)
An afternoon date today with Same while Theo’s in school (maybe a hike)
My next bike ride or hike in the sun and clean air
8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
Someday backpacking with Sam and Theo where there is a beautiful lake in the mountains.
(Re)Learnings and observations
On work-life integration: For the first two years of Theo’s life, things were not well-balanced. I was applying for jobs, then starting my job, writing lots of grants, generally trying to prove myself (and keep up a milk supply). I was getting little/no exercise while my spouse got lots. It can be so difficult to make major changes to a family life schedule, even if you know you need it – just one more cognitive burden. It took major life events to force me to invest energy in re-thinking things, in part because the old ways of functioning fell apart. I don’t want to recommend this approach, but recognize how hard it is to break through the inertia of the current structures that are semi-functional.
On self-care: First: There are times when the concept of self-care is laughable. In early 2019 I hit a peak combination of trauma grief and work stress; I wasn’t depressed, but I was holding so many unacknowledged feelings I didn’t know what to do. I just knew the concept of “self-care” seemed laughable, like a few drops of rain after a long drought. I needed a couple big boluses and a regular, intense, practice of multi-modal self-care to regain some balance. Second, when you don’t maintain – or rebalance – your wellbeing, you are hurting your family and your colleagues (as well as yourself). My spouse was low-resilience this weekend after several days of insufficient sleep and I was feeling pretty crabby about it (granted, its partially my fault for keeping us up while I worked after Theo’s bedtime several nights). Investment in yourself is important for the wellbeing of everyone around you.
On the interaction of grief and work: Fun fact: Since my dad died, I’ve burst into tears after every meeting in which I’ve had to present to and get feedback from a group. It’s…not fun. But I’ve started to expect it and build in time for it, and I’ll work through it over time.
On productivity: I borrowed a new technique from a friend last Friday: to overcome lack of motivation, invite someone to a zoom with no video and little sound, and use the chat function to write goals and report on progress. It worked well!
On speed of life: I’m hearing from many people that things now feel busier than pre-pandemic. I’ve been finding it harder to say I’m not able to attend, or to justify a day off to myself when I’m still sitting in my house (it’s like spending a day off in the office!). In my case, the speed is mostly under my control – I spent time on Wednesday blocking weeks of PTO (which may become writing retreats depending on whole-self needs) roughly every 3-6 weeks until next June. And I also just saved an example of someone very nicely saying no to a potential collaboration so I can use it myself in the future. These feel like investments in making sure I have time to slow down, buttresses against my instincts to help others before myself.
Actions to be anti-racist and/or support Black and other people of color: I reached out to support people after the Breonna Taylor decision, and with regards to specific experiences of racism. Also continued reading Bad Feminist.
As in past weeks, I invite you to report in on your wellbeing, share your goal of a tiny step towards a passion project (and perhaps a second goal of a collaboration, if we have one) and report in on your progress from last week's goals.
Thinking of you and hoping you and your loved ones stay healthy and safe.
Krista