Week 54
View from the houseboats
This was a reasonably good week, but I feel a bit wrung out. My pacing improved – few bike rides, but other cardio activities. More of my own writing: I’m having luck actually using the writing accountability zoom meetings on my calendar by overlaying scheduled elements of my writing to-do list. I’m also doing the NCFDD 14-day writing challenge (that I’m amending to 10 days because I’m not working on the weekends). Some complicated meetings and discussion about anti-racism. Too much sun today (a delightful change of pace). Theo and I had the day off for Cesar Chavez Day (which is actually Wednesday the 31st). Sam and I each got in a bike ride, then Theo and I had a rare playdate with friends from school in the perfect weather. Then this afternoon I caught up on some time-sensitive writing tasks while Theo and Sam took Greta for a walk with all the treats.
(Re)Learnings and observations
Musing on the power of vulnerability. When I lived in the DC area (the 9 years before I moved west) I was a member (briefly captain) of an ultimate frisbee team. We went on to other things and yet many of us remain close friends. A handful or more of the women now have a mom WhatsApp. It’s particularly special because we know when we are vulnerable with the messiest parts of parenting and partnering, the other members will react a thousand times more kindly than we are being to ourselves. They will listen, help problem solve, and normalize how hard it all is. In such environments, being vulnerable feels less risky. I think we are all learning more from each other about personhood and parenthood, because of this vulnerability. I am learning this is harder to replicate in the setting of academic medicine.
Beware the shackles of the shoulds. I’ve realized my routine wish for people is that they ignore whatever part of themselves that is saying “but I should…”. My "shoulds" over the years have included telling myself I should be able to handle my previous workload again after Theo was born or after my dad died (two transformative events), that I should be able to just quickly draft a manuscript (only if the data is clear and straightforward and I’m rested and have a week or three without meetings), that I should take all the meetings however early or late or inconvenient. Yet often none of these things are reasonable to an external listener. Friends, mentors, peers, and other sounding boards can be helpful to check this inner voice.
A sidenote about process. Occasionally people ask how I (make time to) write this weekly note. It helps that I accidentally created a standard “formula” somewhere along the way: a paragraph about life in my world, a few paragraphs about things I’m thinking about this week, gratitude and forward-looking, accountability and prioritized to-do list. I typically spend an hour over a weekend or a weeknight starting a draft (usually while Theo is theoretically falling asleep), jot down ideas as they occur to me over the week, and spent an hour or so reviewing and uploading Thursday night. Sometimes it’s longer when I’m trying to capture more complicated thoughts. The links are usually whatever’s open in my browser window or interesting things people have sent me (in fact, I had a few this week that didn’t weave into something else I wanted to say, so I created a new section). The re-learnings are often pieces of conversations I’ve had recently that I’ve been mulling over since, or tiny edited pieces of journal reflections. The goals are simply my ongoing efforts to focus my own attention and prioritize my first-authored writing and wellbeing maintenance.
Anti-racist actions: Complicated week on this front. It started by sending an “racism care package”, as my friend has named them (e.g. mailing some comforting things for enjoying while you grieve/process how people are terrible) and belatedly checking in on a few friends, colleagues, mentees after the Atlanta news. Per usual, even if I did this in a timely manner for some people in my life, it felt like every other day I realized another person I forgot to reach out to. Then we had a work discussion with ~30 colleagues about anti-Asian racism, and it got ... intense. I’m so grateful for the colleagues who started and continue the anti-racism discussions in a professional context (because it is unpaid service and uncomfortable and not rewarded and yet important). I am proud to be at an institution and in a group that is willing to have these discussions. I hope that in the future we hire paid DEI experts (or pay for our volunteers to become DEI experts - particularly those from minoritized communities) to show that this service is valued and requires willing expertise (much in the way I think you should hire qualitative methods experts to be involved in qualitative research). I am grateful for the colleagues who raised uncomfortable points. I worry about potential harms. I offered my (white, faculty) voice to trainees who might want to share opinions but fear backlash. I am grateful for the leaders in my life who speak up about (and act in opposition to) racism, and I continue to try to emulate them.
Gratitude & appreciation
Spring equinox solo bike ride
Spring equinox long (masked) hike with a friend
Wendy Mac Draw Together (drawing, humor, silliness – for kids, started in the pandemic, and makes me very happy)
Participating in a grant review session that felt like a masterclass in reading and critiquing grants (and therefore assembling them)
I got Theo to help me do the meal planning and grocery shopping this week. With Theo present we came home with dragonfruit, grapes, artichokes, and roses that were not on the list but “were for big cheetah”
Realizing I could minimize distractions during focusing sessions by minimizing my dock (and turning off notifications) on the Mac
For seminars where I don’t really need to have my video on or interact much, using them to multi-task exercise
For my mom and stepmom being fully vaccinated
For California making all adults eligible for a vaccine on April 15!
Things to read/listen to
Permission to grieve even the small losses of the pandemic
Mindfulness practices for work transitions – Dr. Lebares lecture
Tips on minimizing Zoom fatigue
Article about Diane Meier and the trauma of the pandemic
Testimony from Daniel Dae Lewis about anti-Asian actions and hate crimes
Podcast with Hope Edelman about the concept of (and her book called) AfterGrief (I really liked this one)
Adding to my wish list: Girls Garage (fun fact: I’ve built multiple pieces of wood furniture from scratch).
Things we made
Theo and I made an apple pie (very belated celebration of Pi Day, which started at the SF Exploratorium in 1988)
Then I had extra pie dough, but not enough for one regular sized pie, so I made two mini blueberry pies with streusel topping. I started with this recipe and then winged it from there
Things I’m looking forward to
A date night at a restaurant (preferably outdoors)
As before, I invite you to share how you are doing and your small goals. One of you noted – and I’ve also noticed – that fewer people reply now that they’re formatted as newsletters. If you get this via email, that’s why I tried some edits.
Hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.
Krista