Week 52
View from the houseboats
Thursday was not my father’s 71st birthday. I had rough plans for how I wanted to honor the day. And yet I got distracted by a writing project, and then making cookies, and at noon I thought “oh, I’m totally fine, I haven’t felt much grief at all”. And of course, I promptly lost it over the deli not picking up the phone so I could order and pick up a sandwich and at Sam for not magically taking time off without being asked, but at least had presence of mind enough to say to Sam, “I’m really angry with you but really I’m angry my dad is dead.” I finally went off on the solo hike I had planned and listened to lots of podcasts (one on Living and Dying Well, one with poet Naomi Shihab Nye, Griefcast with Amanda Palmer (again), one with poet Gregory Orr, and one reciting and reflecting on passages from Pema Chodron’s book When Things Fall Apart). I chose instinctively, based on whose voice felt soothing and what content resonated – some were new to me and some I’ve listened to several times. And I sat and admired the clouds and the colors and thought about the mundane bravery of letting grief flow through. A classic day, really.
This is approximately what I was doing a year ago, when WHO declared the pandemic and a few days before the shelter-in-place started. I haven’t yet watched the UCSF DOM Grand Rounds honoring the anniversary. But I remember those first few weeks feeling a bit like the shock after sudden loss, the sense of being unmoored and wanting reassurance. Feeling extra tired and doubling down on self-care activities. I remember wanting to help others, knowing I had relevant training in public health ethics and pandemic resource allocation, and yet being barely able to get through the day. I remember the stress of trying to figure out how to keep Theo entertained while also trying to honor work commitments (until I finally mostly gave up after a month or two and said I’m only available in the late afternoons for meetings when on my worth shift). All feelings that ultimately led to this weekly letter.
(Re)Learnings and observations
Rituals to honor anniversaries. I didn’t really know what to do or how choose rituals prospectively. But retrospectively, I realized I’ve developed habits. I read a non-fiction book about grieving (this time it’s The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski, who was a co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project and lives on a houseboat nearby). I show Theo the book I made with the photos I have of them together. I journal and meditate and get acupuncture and make their favorite foods. For Dad-related anniversaries, I listen to videos with his voice, wear his Tilley hat and bright orange merino, and do a 6-mile loop to Slacker Hill and back.
Variation in pandemic experiences. The current phase of the pandemic feels especially strange because of how differently people are experiencing it globally. The Bay Area rates are lowering, so restrictions are loosening up. But we’ve been quite cautious in our household, following all the public health guidance and seeing a handful of people in-person, whereas others have had greater risk tolerance. Family across the country are planning in-person weddings. Vaccinations are finally speeding up – friends are talking about jobs requiring in-person meetings starting this summer. Yet l I spoke to a friend in Scotland and they are still completely locked down and don’t anticipate being fully vaccinated until the fall.
Planning ahead for time off. I re-learned lessons about needing to both take seriously my commitment to time off and spend several weeks preparing myself and others. I suspect this was particularly difficulty because taking time off when I can’t go anywhere or do anything wildly different still feels almost…silly? Next time I will: a) tell everyone 2-3 weeks in advance that I’m taking time off so they can send me anything they want feedback on 1 week in advance (and perhaps put it in my email signature), b) set up my away message starting the day before I go on vacation, so I have time to finish up all the “last minute things”, c) completely delete outlook, slack, twitter and teams from my phone (I took them off my easy-to-see spots but that still left them too usable), and d) ask my spouse to implement some parental setting on our router preventing me from accessing working email. Or I’ll go backpacking.
Email management advice: Last week in K scholars they had a seminar on email management, and shared several great resources. To some extent, it starts with turning off all notifications, checking email only a few times away, and figuring out a method that works for you to only handle most emails once (vs using them as a to-do list).
Anti-racism actions: Completed the DEI Champion online training (part 1 of 3), part of UCSF’s anti-racism curriculum. I bookmarked the resources they provided about gender inclusiveness and pronouns as well.
Gratitude & appreciation
My brother is the newest Dr. Harrison, having just defended his PhD in mechanical engineering. Paper 1 was a simulation of a hypothetical float swarm measuring the water flow in a simulated tidal area, Paper 2 was building and benchmarking his swarm of microfloats, Paper 3 was testing the swarm in the real world. He did a really impressive job in the work and his presentation, with more than 86 people in (virtual) attendance! His childhood dreams of becoming an inventor have come true.
I got my first vaccine dose! There were a ton of appointments available this last week at Moscone in downtown SF via https://myturn.ca.gov/. I qualified as a university employee (apparently UCSF doses are currently reserved for second doses). Sam’s going to try to volunteer in the hopes of being able to get vaccinated in return.
Sam and I took Friday as a date day. I borrowed a neighbor’s bike and we went mountain biking together (easier for chatting) all morning and then we got Raya and the Last Dragon on Disney Plus for an afternoon home movie.
Things we made
Sam made mochi muffins last week
I made snickerdoodles, a new recipe to me, but according to The Kitchn, which regularly compares multiple popular recipes, this was the best
Things I’m looking forward to
A vacation away from my home, preferably with no internet
As before, I invite you to share how you are doing and your small goals.
Hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.
Krista