Week 84
View from the Houseboats
What do you say at work when you’re not really ok? What does “ok” mean when you’ve practiced being functional through all manner of hardship? What words suffice – not too dramatic, too personal, too direct, too long?
One half-drafted, never sent message from a few weeks ago said I was “one third fine, one third carrying the heaviness of other people’s complexity, and one third carrying my own complexity”. I didn’t cognitively feel stressed but had been uncharacteristically messing up my calendar, missing meetings, or just making slow progress on my research. Now, it feels like two thirds my own complexity, one sixth others’ complexity, and one sixth fine; I’m definitely noting the impact.
I’m caught in an eddy of grief for the heavy costs of the last few years, exacerbated by a new realization of another massive cost, and the uncertainty of what to do now. These were tradeoffs we never guessed we were making in our decision-making. Amid emotional complexity in my personal life, I have trouble wending my way through research decisions. All the projects I’m leading are at stages that require time, effort, clear thinking, and confidence – all things in short supply right now. I am susceptible to wanting to give projects up, feeling that that my science isn’t good enough, doesn’t address real problems. I’ve been avoiding people, to some extent, unable to find words that feel adequate.
Yet I’m realizing this is a pattern to note for next year, as it happened last year. With patience, these feelings will shift and things will be easier again. I can scale my expectations back, simplify responsibilities, renegotiate expectations, and find ways to make little bits of progress while I wait.
As usual, I have to ask myself: why am I sharing this? My usual answer: I think it’s important to model what life as an academic researcher can feel like from the inside. I want others who might feel this way at times know they are not alone. The earlier we are in our career, the more discouraging and derailing these experiences can be. In addition, we can assume these spirals don’t happen “once we’ve made it” in our career. My experience thus far is that as we move into the next stage in our career, the spirals may do less damage and we have more experience knowing how to navigate it: we can note it as a pattern and have faith it will pass.
Interesting things on the internet
Themed posts from me:
Work-life integration: Practicing
Productivity: The insufficiency of self-care
Productivity: Imposter syndrome & early career research
An article about grief I contributed to
A pomodoro app, but with trees
A Mary Oliver poem sent to me that I keep returning to
A blog by a male caregiver for a wife with early onset dementia
An opinion piece by a colleague reflecting on what he learned from his research participants
Stories about a former UCSF trainee, Dr. Nadia Chaudhri, who was remarkable in her dying
UCSF campaign called “Faces of Ability” normalizing living with mental health
Podcasts from the IMPACT Collaboratory on elements of dementia research – these continue conversations begun in grant rounds presentations