Week 56
View from the houseboats
Change in the pandemic remains hard. It’s been lovely to have my mother next door and honor all the events of the weekend…and we are, of course, still working on finding a new rhythm to life. Hard things are happening in the lives of people around me. I have mostly neglected my usual self-care this week – exercise, meditating, journaling - because of early work meetings or things around the house going wrong. I am trying to be patient with myself and remember that each day I can make different choices.
(Re)Learnings and observations
Interpreting anxiety and making space: I woke up Friday morning early with anxiety and dread about grantwriting. So I went for a bike ride. It felt like the first time all week that I had space to think because I’m not listening to a podcast (or a meeting or a child or…). In the process, I decided that my small goal for next week will re-focus on grant aims pages instead of papers. A few years ago, I would have made my goal drafting an aims page. But that’s too big. Thus, my goal below is to work on articulating the problem that a grant will address.
The paralysis of uncertainty: Many of you are waiting on answers about job offers, or grants (that may enable job offers). My mother is waiting to hear if the place that she is renting will have a timeline for the renovation to finish, or if she will need to look for a new rental (she’s currently staying in the landlord’s apartment downstairs…still next door). Just a reminder that sitting in this state of unknowing is hard, often tiring. Hang in there.
Thinking ahead to the next phase of the pandemic: Feeling cognitive dissonance again: the good news of more friends and family being vaccinated and states starting to open up versus fear about opening up because of the uptick in COVID hospitalizations due to the new variants. (Sidenote: two articles to read to better understand vaccine efficacy). I feel both braced against more bad news and braced against anticipating work life changes. I know everyone has experienced the pandemic differently – most researchers negatively so. I’ve realized that for me, SIP solved a lot of the pain points in my professional life: commuting between multiple campuses a day, being semi-isolated in my office, unable to work out in daylight hours. With the number of collaborations I have, I actually feel more connected to my colleagues because of the equitable access of Zoom (now that I have out-of-house childcare). I recognize mine is not a common experience, however, and that this would not have been my experience if I were a fellow or in my first year on faculty.
The nonlinear nature of productivity: My intent is to have one paper in the concept-development stage, one in mid-analysis, and one in writing stage (which is more a linear, or perhaps production-line, model of productivity). Manuscripts and grants are the most important parts of my job - each requires the other for success. I currently have 3 or 4 papers simultaneously at the writing phase, and it’s very brain-intense. It’s been a year or two since I last submitted a first-author research paper for its first submission (since sometimes papers get rejected from 7 journals before finding homes). Some of the papers I’m currently writing are the products of grants I wrote 4 years ago and started working on (data collection or analysis) 2 years ago. Slow timelines result from life events and pandemics, and from choosing to pursue lots of different papers and projects at the same time such that my attention is split. All of which is to say, the nonlinear nature of productivity is normal. We can be too quick to assign blame or name a problem what is merely a normal ebb and flow of creativity.
The unexpected moments of grief: I had a dream this week about my father, and it meant one morning felt – physically and emotionally – like the early days of grief. It reminded me both how the ball of grief did, in fact, shrink, and I have gotten more and more time to recover, but hitting that pain button is still hard. Thinking of those of you whose grief ball is large.
Antiracist actions: I’m taking a moment to honor those of you who are regularly experiencing individual and structural racism, always on alert for it, and otherwise feeling the burden. It’s unfair, it’s wrong, it’s exhausting and distracting, and I’m sorry. I offer my white privilege to speak up or amplify messages on your behalf at UCSF or on social medial, especially if power hierarchies make it unsafe for you to speak for yourself. Around home, we attended an allyship BBQ on the dock to support our neighbors, one of whom is Vietnamese, and their kids.
Gratitude & appreciation
A few hours of babysitting so Sam and I could go for a bike ride on my birthday
My mother’s company on several pickup runs to get Theo at the end of the school day
Colleague-friends who support each other
Good questions about next stages for this project that have me doing a lot of thinking
I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.
Krista