Dangerous questions

In our house we’re starting a new practice to ask one another “I heard a big sigh. What are you feeling? Are you ok?.

You’d think this was to help Theo learn to identify and name emotions but it’s mostly to improve communication and awareness in us adults.

Since fall 2021, I’ve been hearing the stress of the last few years in the voices of my colleagues. Resilience is scarce, especially among those spending most of their time on clinical care, or clinical care and teaching. The systems are untenable, with minimal relief in sight.

If we don’t ask how people are, if we don’t make space for sharing as and when people want, we are insensitive – if we ask at unwelcome times and ways, there too, we are insensitive.

Personally, I try anyway but I anticipate I will fail (in subtle ways, or in substantial ways). A colleague reminded me to show up with authenticity, and hope that it would be enough to get started. I show up and try again and again; I trust the people around me to tell me if I get it wrong and give me grace and forgiveness if I do. And every time I try, I hope I get better at what I’m attempting. This is the way I approach my research these days, as well. Trying each time to ask better questions, use better methods to understand the world around me, to understand and perhaps even address problems.

Navigating these spaces, supporting colleagues, trainees, and students, doing this emotional labor – it’s exhausting and wearing. We know it’s essential. We know it’s what we want for ourselves. And yet.