Week 49
View from the houseboats
Stormy weather over here. My emotions have just been all over the place. Lots of anxiety, anger and grief. Funny reaction to a Friday afternoon work meeting that led to a rare bout of sleeplessness and subsequently demoralization. I’ve also been texting/talking a lot with close friends who are anticipating or grieving parental deaths – I’m trying to normalize the awfulness of their experiences and help them feel less alone, as others did for me. We try to take turns with Theo on the weekends so that the other person gets some alone time (not for working or doing chores). I used mine on Sunday for exercise and actually feeling feelings (hard with a kid around unless they are totally overwhelming). Theo and I had Monday off while Sam worked – there were tantrums, getting soaked in the rain, and a giant pretzel at the zoo. Theo and I have been overly stubborn with each other lately, leading to many tantrums and opportunities to repair the relationship (e.g. “I’m so sorry I expressed my big feelings that way. I will try to do better next time. What do you think we could do instead?”).
I think of all this as a normal part of the cycle of academia and parenting. Frustrating, interfering, but normal and temporary. I’m trying to do extra meditations (before bed, first thing in the morning if I wake up before Theo). I’m trying to recognize when I’m too distracted by feelings to write and get some exercise instead. I’m trying remember that feelings will change (sooner than I think they will). Even my most-busy mentor canceled meetings for self care this week.
Gratitude & appreciation
(switching the order up because I need it)
Sam found Wellfleet oysters on Sunday, which I opened for dinner, and they tasted like home (I grew up on Cape Cod, these are the best oysters)
We gave Theo the stuffed animal spider he requested for Christmas, and he has named it Mud Puddle Tarantula and made a purse for it out of pipecleaners at school. He also gave my mother a lecture on different types of spiders thanks to his Big Book of Bugs.
I came across a video post by Dr. Kemi Doll (amazing physician-investigator and coach of faculty who are women of color) about tactics to change your mindset to be more effective, including counteracting the fallacy “we are not ‘qualified’ to lead our work because we are still learning.”
Fantastic peer mentoring & support from a variety of sources
(Re)Learnings and observations
Academic parenting: You’d think by now I’d realize it, but meetings before 9 am cause remarkable disruption and stress in our house. It means that Theo loses our attention and patience in the small amount of time he’s home with us before he leaves for school – in the evenings he (or we) are often overtired and less able to engage. But he loves us, and wants to engage, and Zoom meetings in his space and time interfere with that. It’s so hard to remember that and remarkably hard to remember to prioritize him over work meetings when those work meetings are an open computer away.
Things I am repeating to myself this week:
This is not a good week to reflect on my skills, my value, my projects, my sense of belonging, or my productivity, because I will be uncharitable with myself. I need to focus on small specific tasks.
Anger may be grief or disappointment in disguise. Hard cardio (or kickboxing) may be needed.
Try to avoid binging on “junk food of academia”: non-urgent administrative tasks. It’s easy to prioritize these when I’m feeling down because they do need to get done, but they are almost never the things that really matter for promotion (e.g. grants and papers). I make no promises about consumption of actual junk food.
Anti-racism actions: As a follow-up from last week, celebrating Lunar New Year with our neighbors (outside) was delightful. They said we inspired them to do much more celebrating and decorating than they otherwise would have. Also, I got to explain the concept of racialization to a mentor.
Things we’ve been making
Theo and I made the chocolate olive oil cake
Things I’m looking forward to
Backpacking and a full week away from internet
Reading and citing a colleague’s new paper on dementia end-of-life care
Listening to the newest GeriPal podcast/transcript with Jason Karlawish on Alzheimer’s Disease
As before, I invite you to share how you are doing and your small goals.
Hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.
Krista