Week 71
View from the Houseboats
I didn’t know quite what I wanted to talk about this week. Or rather, I have a few nebulous ideas that haven’t coalesced.
One that’s been floating in my head for a bit is the idea that I don’t strongly associate most of my learning from a single source, so sometimes feel like I’ve learned by osmosis, or feel like I’ve always known it. That’s ridiculous, of course. It’s more like being in a pinball machine, where with each rebound I pick up another spin, another idea. Another metaphor is feeling like my self is constructed and reinforced by the network of people around me, or a web-like tunnel over the years (and given Theo’s love of spiders, I now have funnel-web spiders on the brain, ugh).
A related idea is the way grief emerges in removal of normal structures and in life transitions. Sam was away for 4 days (bike trip with friends) and I was “solo” parenting (with my mom next door). And per usual when my usual structures are removed (e.g. 2-parenting weekend life), I just had a ton more background grief around. A sense of, how are the days so long and what the heck do I do with all these feelings. I also later remembered, listening again to this podcast with the author of The Aftergrief (which I’m considering buying), that life transitions (like putting in our first unsuccessful offer on a house) can bring up old grief. Interestingly, once I was back in the work week the feelings were more managable (more usual structure I guess).
Another thing I’ve been thinking about is my annoyance with a style I’ve fallen into where I give people recommendations for improvement but add in an empathizing element (e.g. don’t apologize in presentations; I struggle with this myself). It feels like such a feminine communication style, and I worry I’m undermining myself. In the re-invention of 2021, where we live amid pandemic, I’m thinking about how to re-balance vulnerability and leadership and emotional labor.
Amid all that, this week I was delighted and surprised to discover that my slow chipping away at my various projects finally accumulated to progress. I’ve written before about the non-linear nature of productivity – since 2019 I think I’ve only submitted one first-author research paper, and that ultimately got published as a letter to the editor (e.g. not peer reviewed, thus “counts less” for academic life – let’s be clear that what gets you promoted is not what’s important in life). All my other first-author work have taken an eternity to analyze and write up. Yet right now, a number of first-authored things are coming to fruition, either nearing submission or under revise and resubmit, and it feels a bit like the fog lifting after a month of heavy marine layers. Which is also what has been happening this week in weather here in Sausalito.
Interesting stuff on the internet
A recipe where the prologue is worth reading: Turmeric fried eggs by Ottolenghi
Diaspora spices as a source for the turmeric
An essay I want to read on emotional contagion at home
Hoping you are all well
-Krista