Week 59
View from the houseboats
We’ve had a few days of perfect afternoon weather on the docks, and it’s really helped my mood. That and pretty much ignoring the news, checking social media (Twitter and Instagram) less, and finding that my many meetings this week were concentrated to a few days, leaving me bigger blocks of time for writing and thinking.
On the other hand, my mother’s housing situation has continued to be complex in a very classically houseboat fashion, which has led her to start looking into other rental options and us to also start to slowly dip our toes into considering alternative housing options ourselves. In the Bay Area (especially on the rare rainy Sunday) this led to a (predictable) doom spiral. As my friend summed things up: “personal shit colliding with mass phenomenon completely outside of our control (housing market and pandemic) really makes things complicated and psychologically hard”. So, I’m starting with gratitude this week, to focus on the things that brought and keep us here.
Gratitude & appreciation
My neighbor organizing with the Harbor to create a community garden in an otherwise unattractive spot, thus creating a great gathering and visiting place for the vaccinated.
7 minutes twice this week to sit in the sunset and light breeze and meditate while Sam read to Theo (before I was called down for snuggles)
My ongoing love of living on the water, especially on warm afternoons & evenings
Being able to bike to the Pacific Ocean
That the neighboring dogs, and therefore our dog, have been quieter recently, making working at home more feasible
Random opportunities to make my mom and Theo breakfast
A neighbor who lent me a mountain bike while he’s away camping for a few days
A surprise morning chat in the sun with neighbors while picking up said mountain bike
Theo’s enthusiasm for art this week
A long hike with a friend last weekend
New shiny Birkenstocks
The colleagues I truly delight in collaborating with, including those who are trainees
Making progress on outlining a lab ethos (still working on lab name) in anticipation of 4 new summer members
Starting to hit a collaborative rhythm with a newer team member
Division-wide conversations about DEI and multi-level efforts to create cultures for support – and being in a Division that’s willing to repeatedly have these conversations
(Re)learnings and observations
Being mindful of emotional edges. Some hard things are happening with colleagues’ parents (some due to the unbelievable COVID tragedy happening in India). I’m trying to both be as supportive as I can while also being sensitive to my own grief triggers. I’m realizing there’s some invisible line that I’m better at sensing and trusting these days – signing cards, sharing the specific source of my empathy.
Small margins for error as an academic parent. My mother observed that we have very small margins before our family ecosystem gets derailed. For example, on Wednesday I wanted to listen to the end of grand rounds and didn’t leave to get Theo from daycare until 20 minutes later than usual. As a result, we were finishing dinner when Theo usually gets in the bath. We decided to try to be flexible since we were already off schedule, Theo got a (rare) nap at school, and he was determined to show Sam the gardening barrel in the new community garden. We had a delightful 20 minutes of gardening with neighbors and my mom. As a result, Theo ended up being overtired, extra difficult to negotiate with, went to bed 30 minutes late, and went to sleep an hour late (he said sleeping was boring and colored his palms -and sheets- with markers). Adult tempers frayed in the process. My suspicion is that this thin margin for error in schedules is a normal 2021 young-kid parenting experience (especially in a 2-working-parent household in a city). The broader question is: does it have to be this way, or are there ways we can make things easier on ourselves?
Ideas for creating slack in the system. The answer is partly advocating for systems changes and leaders who support those changes. On a micro-level, ironically, the pandemic forced us to reconfigure, and these are the widest margins we’ve had yet. I’m thinking about how we can extend them in this new era of semi-vaccinated pandemic. In implementation science, you think about creating a core intervention with adaptable fringes. What’s been working best for us in the pandemic is when we only have to work 10-4 (e.g. attend meetings) and the mornings and evenings can be more flexible. We’ve settled into a rhythm where either we exercise before Theo gets up (which means getting up at 5), or after he goes to school (at 8:30, which only works for one of us as the other has to drive him in). Exercise is both an instrumental and intrinsic good for us: it enables good short- and long-term outcomes, daily mental function, and for me, thinking time. Granted, for me it’s also the first thing to go when work gets more intense. When Theo was smaller, he seemed perfectly happy to be at daycare 8-6, but now he really wants time at home: he’d kinda prefer to be at daycare 9-4. We’ve compromised at 9-5. I can see why part time work makes a lot of sense with young kids (if you don’t think about the impact on lifetime earnings): it’s really hard to fit everything in. I tend to miss exercise a few mornings a week because of meetings, and work for an hour or two most evenings while waiting for Theo to sleep. I’m not looking forward to the more-intense work times when I’m grant writing.
Reminder for evaluating opportunities: Once upon a time, a senior researcher passed on the advice to weigh new opportunities against whether you’d sacrifice time with your partner or kid, or sleep or exercise, to do them. Because pragmatically, that’s often the choice we’re making.
I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.
Krista