View from the Houseboats

100 weeks. 100 weeks since the first stay-at-home order, of working from home, of the extra logistical and emotional weight in decision-making and childcare. 100 weeks of writing this perhaps too-vulnerable, mostly weekly email, to normalize and create community through the ups and downs of academic life in a pandemic. And per those usual ups and downs, this email has been delayed so you get an odd mix of reflections and explanations and extra gratitude in honor of Valentine’s Day (or Friendship Day as they are saying at Theo’s school). 

Gratitude 

• A mentee’s paper published 

• Two mentees’ abstracts accepted 

• A 4-times desk rejected paper accepted with no revisions requested 

• Despite everything, getting in 3 workouts this week 

• Twitter during the annual palliative care conference being full of things I love and value 

• The amazing tiger and lion books Theo drew and dictated this week (despite him staying up late multiple nights to make them and subsequently being a jerk from tiredness) 

• The moment Theo threw his arms around my neck saying “our teamwork is going splendidly tonight, isn’t it” 

• My ongoing glee over the cool things my kid makes or does or says 

• That writing this list made me feel better on a day of emotional turbulence

Recently our houseboat has taken to moving a lot a high tide, even on a glass-calm morning. Our theory is that in the king tides and high winds of December, the ropes that tether us to the piers stretched. If someone is rushing back and forth across their boat a few slips up from us, their frenzy sets us all rocking.  

This week I was at a meeting about faculty experience, and they had us do a design activity: draw what an unsupported day feels like, what it looks like, who is there and isn’t there. Then they asked: what showed up that you didn’t expect at the start. It was a neat activity, outside my norm. More surprising still was that Thurday night Theo stayed up late copying my drawing (I had borrowed his drawing materials and forgotten to throw my sketch away), including the captions: “The feeling of outlook….a puddle of exhaustion…”. I am proud and horrified and glad Theo can’t read. Yet another example, in case I needed one, of the ripple effect when work and home are not adequately scaffolded for our needs – either by the structure of what we’re asked to do or as a consequence of the choices we make. How, if burn ourselves out in one domain (say, by not holding boundaries), we as individuals are not the only ones paying the price. 

More gratitude 

• A week of sun and warm weather (despite it boding poorly for drought) 

• Quiet time Friday while Sam took a day off for a long bike ride to fill his cup 

• Scheduled time next week for re-prioritizing and boundary setting 

• Time to reflect on the ways that colleagues and friends show up for me repeatedly and often 

• That I have time and bandwidth to make efforts to re-weave the fabric of my being

My heartfelt condolences to those of you affected by FDA’s delayed consideration of the under-5 vaccinations. My weekend was full of a virtual conference, and the associated family meltdowns of a disrupted schedule. Sunday afternoon was ED visit #3 for Theo, who joins the chin-scar club after a faceplant off his bike required some gluing. 

Final gratitude 

• For the great pediatric ED at CPMC 

• For my mom, who went on a trip to Novato to get the leopard stuffie we promised Theo as a bribe if he would go into the hospital, rather than just drive by and wave as Theo was advocating 

• For stain remover, and the sign of a great dad being the bloodstains down his shoulder 

• For the mentor and peer mentor helping me throw together a grant application over the weekend 

• For my past self that picked up valentines for Theo’s classmates at Target weeks ago, which we assembled while eating dinner after the ED visit 

• For the colleagues I connected with over the virtual conference this weekend 

• For the large virtual community of friends and colleagues who keep holding us up in moments of unraveling 

This week I'll be planning to find ways to rest and rejuvenate after an overly tiring weekend. Thinking of you all.

Krista