In nearly every research project I've led there is a moment when I think "why am I doing this? My findings are obvious, it's taking too long to get them out into the world, someone else could do something more sophisticated with them than I am." This might be true, but it's also a phase that I have to push through. By the time the manuscript(s) are published, I've re-discovered the findings are NOT obvious to those who didn’t do the study. In the writing process, I've often found ways to make the more interesting points that I'd like to make. I've been experiencing this feeling a lot recently, partly because of where I am in many of my projects (mid-way through analysis) and partly because of the existential angst I feel at times.

On managing red herrings: When I was learning to write poetry as a kid, my dad told me that if I have the urge to get up and leave the computer/page, that's important to pay attention to because you might be getting close to something really good but hard. Similarly, in some frames of mind my brain tries to do ALL THE THINGS at once. I try to use my "to-do" list as a place to store intrusive thoughts about other things I have to do, or meeting agendas for questions for mentors, but I have to work hard to constrain myself and not get sidetracked on a red herring.

Reframing: I saw this great suggestion for language swapping. Instead of “I feel behind” try “I am not where I expected to be” (from one of my favorite feminists). I also continue to swap “Thank you for your patience” rather than “I apologize”.

Yet there are times where things are just hard and the brain weasels are running wild. In one such week, I reminded myself:

• This is not a good week to reflect on my skills, my value, my projects, my sense of belonging, or my productivity, because I will be uncharitable with myself. I need to focus on small specific tasks.

• Anger may be grief or disappointment in disguise. Hard cardio (or kickboxing) may be needed. Or making time to cry.

• Try to avoid binging on “junk food of academia”: non-urgent administrative tasks. It’s easy to prioritize these when I’m feeling down because they do need to get done, but they are almost never the things that really matter for promotion (e.g. grants and papers). I make no promises about consumption of actual junk food.

I think it’s important to model what life as an academic researcher can feel like from the inside. I want others who might feel this way at times know they are not alone. The earlier we are in our career, the more discouraging and derailing these experiences can be. In addition, we can assume these spirals don’t happen “once we’ve made it” in our career. My experience thus far is that as we move into the next stage in our career, the spirals may do less damage and we have more experience knowing how to navigate it: we can note it as a pattern and have faith it will pass.