Unmoored from routine

I’ve learned grief emerges for me when normal structures are removed and in life transitions. Part of this is because the work (and daycare) routine kept me upright and busy (for better or worse) during acute grief. Now, when those norms fall away, I sometimes fall apart.

In week 71 (July 2021) Sam was away for 4 days (bike trip with friends) and I was “solo” parenting (with my mom next door). And per usual when my usual structures are removed (e.g. 2-parenting weekend life), I just had a ton more background grief around. A sense of, how are the days so long and what the heck do I do with all these feelings.

I also later remembered, listening again to this podcast with the author of The Aftergrief, that life transitions (like trying to buy a house) can bring up old grief. Interestingly, once I was back in the work week (at home) the feelings were more managable (more usual structure I guess).

I noticed this again in week 77, after Sam and I had gone backpacking together for a few days while his parents hung out with Theo. I said: As often occurs, grief crept in – for me it often waits until I step outside normal life to be heard. It was so helpful to have that space for conversations without kid interruptions.

In week 90: Since my father died, I’ve noticed that when I don’t have normal work and childcare routines my emotions feel unwieldy, tangled, and unpredictable. My grief and emotions were all over the place, feelings that felt true in that moment but are not true in a larger sense. As we reestablished normal routines this week, I felt stabilized.

As such, I’m getting better over time anticipating and planning for this. I imagine it will be a problem when I start returning to in-person work events on a regular basis, and when we (eventually) move out of this houseboat to a new home.

If you are experiencing this, I wish you self-compassion and bravery to trust that your body can, in fact, contain all the sadness, and that things will feel better on the other side.