This is for the people around the griever.

Ask permission: to bring the topic up, to help notify people, to rally support. Ask if they know what they need. Revisit every 3 months or so to see how needs and wants have changed.

Don’t ask how the person is doing, at least while feelings are acute and the person may be fragile. Try to figure out a more answerable question: how intense are the emotions today? How’s your concentration today?

Listen. No seriously. We often underestimate the therapeutic value of listening without trying to fix.

Offer tangible or instrumental supports: food is a classic, but other helps could include:

• Offers of help with work (like 30 minutes of editing a manuscript or grant)

• Offers to listen without trying to fix, perhaps while going for a walk or getting some tea or coffee

• Recommended names for counselors or grief groups, or offer to help set up a first visit

• Send gifts for comfort or self-care: weighted blankets or throws, gift certificates for acupuncture, massage, an exercise class (pandemic-permitting)

• Babysitting for parents of young kids who rarely otherwise get uninterrupted time to talk or process

• Invite them to things, be unsurprised when they say no, keep inviting.

• Books or comforting objects for their kids

Be very careful of how you express your own sadness about their loss, or in sharing your own grief stories. I personally did not want to hear about how others were reacting to my person (people) dying, but I found stories of how others navigated loss and grief helpful, especially those whose stories were most similar. I appreciated when people asked permission before sharing.

Most condolence notes or gifts arrive in the first weeks or month. Send yours a little later, when the calls and concern have faded but the pain much less so.

Take note of the anniversary. Send a note, emoji, flowers, etc.

Check if they want their loss acknowledged at work or ignored. Or if it’s safer via email compared to outloud.

Offer gentle supports to disengage from work or to make space for emotional processing (aka making sapce to feel the feelings), especially in the first 3-6 months.

Overall: Normalize things not being ok – or an unpredictable fluctuation between ok and not. Make it clear that grief changes over time, but that it lasts a lifetime.

What else? What did I forget?