Joy & grief intertwined

For the journey in which I've had to really learn the vocabulary and actions of grief, I've also had to make piece with the intertwining of joy and pain. Theo has always made us laugh, and he was just under 2 when my dad died. In contrast to “toxic positivity”, which I think of as denying space for the hard stuff in the name of constantly identifying a silver lining, this was more parallel processing. Celebrating Halloween as we waited for the neurosurgeon’s assessment. Celebrating Theo’s birthday the day before extubation…and later deathiversary. I don’t remember feeling guilty about the moments of joy/laughter that were laminated with sorrow/despair like croissant dough and butter - though I know many grievers struggle with this. I’m pretty sure my dad had been through this too. Over the years Theo grappled with the concept of death, and I remember laughing at his question checking that Grampie Jack would not be able to eat breakfast because he’s a skeleton.

As the frequency of deaths among family and friends tapered form the every-5-months trend of the first few years, a gratitude practice helped my brain stop always expecting the worst.

This week I’m grappling with what feel like echoes of grief. A colleague died - someone I had only met a few times - but the manner of their death is a bit evocative of my own grief. I’ve been more aware of both sitting and letting grief swirl through my body…and of consciously pushing it away, not wanting to let it in.

Today, despite the hours I've spent sitting & listening & talking with grieving colleagues (and my own feelings), I'm reflecting on the moments of enjoyment. Sam and I met with Theo’s teachers (per our ongoing journey in learning how to advocate for our child whose energy does not match modern schooling structures), and then went to Whole Foods to take advantage of $1 oyster Fridays. And thus this regular, rainy, somewhat crabby Friday with a somewhat empty fridge became a mini-feast. Theo celebrated good days at school with a mango popsicle. We’re taking the joy where and when we can find it.